“I was walking in the parking lot behind you and noticed your skirt. I love the way it moved and swayed as you walked. I said, “Now, THAT’S a skirt.””
That is what an older lady said to me yesterday while I was feelin’ up a juicy mango at my local grocery. It’s funny because I don’t really like that skirt. In fact, it’s quite hideous. It was a spur of the moment purchase for a college event years ago and I shoved it in the back of my closet for years because it was too tight. However, that compliment came at a very interesting time.
(Lets fast forward to earlier today…)
Fashion scares me. Well, the idea of me picking out a stylish outfit gives me the heebie jeebies. However, curiosity, loose pants, and a
splash of excitement have given me reason to sneak off to the mall for the past two Saturday mornings to check out the latest trends. I woke up early, bright eyed and bushy-tailed to get in a quick workout (no workout, no shopping), grabbed a high protein breakfast, and headed out. Honestly, I know most girls dress up before they go to the mall, but I’m not that kind of gal. At least for now jeans and a t-shirt will get the job done (I feel a Sexy Day Challenge in the works….hmmmm!).
So what is it about fashion that scares the living shit out of me? I guess it’s the fact that it’s quite confusing. There’s TOO much variety. How do I know what’s right for me? What’s age appropriate for a girl who’s almost three decades old? I use to think that I had to pick one style and stick with it, but that’s just stupid. I CRAVE variety. I NEED it. I need variety and excitement in almost everything, including men and sex (I’M NOT A WHORE…just like a guy who knows how to shake things up, plus you’ll burn more calories that way!) Wow! Getting back to fashion now… I’m a huge fan of Annie Lennox. As a kid I loved the way she owned strength and femininity in a suit. And of course, no one wears confidence better than the sexy, curvaceous, Sophia Lorean. These are just a few of my style idols. I also like the rock star and sweet-naughty librarian look as well.
One thing that I realized today was that I wanted to gravitate towards the plus-size departments. By the way, I am very jealous, some of those plus-size dresses are so damn cute, but for the first time I have to walk away from them because ironically they’re too BIG. Sometimes, I still think that I can’t fit in the smaller sizes and find comfort in buying things that do not compliment my body, but are safe. I have a very nonchalant attitude to justify my fear.
“Clothes are clothes. As long as it covers you up, what’s the point of trying so hard to look good?”
I honestly thought I was past this phase in my journey, but apparently not. My attitude is better, but I’m still stuck in that mindset sometimes. I also try to avoid attracting “special” attention by choosing over-sized clothing, but when I look in the mirror sans clothing, I like what I see. I think my curves should be celebrated and I love the contour of my abs. So why am I trippin? I actually cried a little in the dressing room last weekend because I felt guilty for enjoying myself and spending money on something that I’ve been avoiding for so long. Change can be scary, People!
You know, when I think about it, I’m convinced that I forced myself to stay around 170-180 for so many years because I was afraid of what 150 would feel like. I have always wanted to be around 150 pounds, but I held myself back. Now that I can almost see the finish line, fear is setting in. I’m crossing over into a new phases in my life physically, mentally, and professionally and I am freaking out.
On a happy note, I am taking baby steps and not giving up. I may even become a part-time pupil of Elle or Vogue or at least check out a magazine or two. Man, where’s the What Not to Wear crew when you need them?