Fashionista, NOT!

“I was walking in the parking lot behind you and noticed your skirt.  I love the way it moved and swayed as you walked.  I said, “Now, THAT’S a skirt.””

That is what an older lady said to me yesterday while I was feelin’ up a juicy mango at my local grocery.  It’s funny because I don’t really like that skirt.  In fact, it’s quite hideous.  It was a spur of the moment purchase for a college event years ago and I shoved it in the back of my closet for years because it was too tight. However, that compliment came at a very interesting time.

…………………………………………………………………………….

 

(Lets fast forward to earlier today…)

Fashion scares me.  Well, the idea of me picking out a stylish outfit gives me the heebie jeebies.  However, curiosity, loose pants, and a
splash of excitement have given me reason to sneak off to the mall for the past two Saturday mornings to check out the latest trends.  I woke up early, bright eyed and bushy-tailed to get in a quick workout (no workout, no shopping), grabbed a high protein breakfast, and headed out.  Honestly, I know most girls dress up before they go to the mall, but I’m not that kind of gal.  At least for now jeans and a t-shirt will get the job done  (I feel a Sexy Day Challenge in the works….hmmmm!).

So what is it about fashion that scares the living shit out of me?  I guess it’s the fact that it’s quite confusing.  There’s TOO much variety.  How do I know what’s right for me?  What’s age appropriate for a girl who’s almost three decades old?  I use to think that I had to pick one style and stick with it, but that’s just stupid.  I CRAVE variety.  I NEED it.  I need variety and excitement in almost everything, including men and sex (I’M NOT A WHORE…just like a guy who knows how to shake things up, plus you’ll burn more calories that way!)  Wow! Getting back to fashion now…  I’m a huge fan of Annie Lennox.  As a kid I loved the way she owned strength and femininity in a suit.  And of course, no one wears confidence better than the sexy, curvaceous, Sophia Lorean.  These are just a few of my style idols.  I also like the rock star and sweet-naughty librarian look as well.

One thing that I realized today was that I wanted to gravitate towards the plus-size departments.  By the way, I am very jealous, some of those plus-size dresses are so damn cute, but for the first time I have to walk away from them because ironically they’re too BIG.  Sometimes, I still think that I can’t fit in the smaller sizes and find comfort in buying things that do not compliment my body, but are safe.  I have a very nonchalant attitude to justify my fear.

 “Clothes are clothes.  As long as it covers you up, what’s the point of trying so hard to look good?”

I honestly thought I was past this phase in my journey, but apparently not.  My attitude is better, but I’m still stuck in that mindset sometimes.  I also try to avoid attracting “special” attention by choosing over-sized clothing, but when I look in the mirror sans clothing, I like what I see.  I think my curves should be celebrated and I love the contour of my abs.  So why am I trippin?  I actually cried a little in the dressing room last weekend because I felt guilty for enjoying myself and spending money on something that I’ve been avoiding for so long.  Change can be scary, People!

You know, when I think about it, I’m convinced that I forced myself to stay around 170-180 for so many years because I was afraid of what 150 would feel like.  I have always wanted to be around 150 pounds, but I held myself back.  Now that I can almost see the finish line, fear is setting in. I’m crossing over into a new phases in my life physically, mentally, and professionally and I am freaking out.

On a happy note, I am taking baby steps and not giving up.  I may even become a part-time pupil of Elle or Vogue or at least check out a magazine or two.  Man, where’s the What Not to Wear crew when you need them?

Healthy Journey!

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