So we’re on this weight loss, health kick together. We’re eating better, working out like it’s nobody’s business, and getting our 8 x 8, ( 8 glasses of water and 8 hours of sleep), right? Per doctor’s orders, our dinner plates are overflowing with green leafy vegetables, low-fat this and that, and heart-loving legumes, but is that enough? Perhaps it is physically, but who or what protects your HEART. The heart that is easily broken by naysayers, judgemental strangers, and sorry ass lovers. How do you push through that mumbo-jumbo?
After much contemplation and deliberation about stepping back into the dating world, I realize that I’ve become somewhat cold. Not quite, bitchy….yet,…… but very critical. In other worlds, I don’t tolerate very much BS. I like the new me in many ways because I’m stronger, but I also think I am afraid of putting myself out there again and being hurt like before. Instead of giving into temptation, I beat it down with a stick. I fight it. I push it away when I’m done because I know what’s good for me now, but I’m very protective of my heart. Last year I gave it away to a “friend” who used me and I must admit, before I met him, that was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I was single, carefree, and smiled uncontrollably simply because I loved being me. I focused on trying to help this person get their life back together and in return, I let them rip my world apart. It’s almost as if someone turned off my “happy switch.” My life lost color and shine for a little while. I changed.
I am afraid of never finding myself again and as a result, I’m not willing to let many people get close to the little bit of happiness I was able to salvage. If I meet anyone who may try to take me down a similar path that caused the original pain, I’m quick to write them off. Maybe this is a good thing and a bad thing. I’m very mindful and never disrespectful no matter how demeaning they may be towards me, but in the end, it pushes me further into seclusion. I have faith in people. At least that’s what I tell myself. Before that really painful moment in my life, I made it my purpose in life to help other people find their potential and I meant every bit of it. I felt it in my spirit and it was very genuine. Now, I go through the motions. I want to mean it, but I’m afraid of feeling it. Sometimes this sends me into a delayed dessert binge. I may go days without thinking about my past, but then that familiar feeling comes back and Mr. Twix, key lime pie, and chocolate chip cookies become my best friends again. I understand these moments and that’s why I don’t have them often, but man I wish this shit would go away. Now I’m not punkin out by any means. I pride myself at being able to duck, swerve, push through, and climb over all sorts of obstacles, but sometimes the gentle giant gets a little blue. My heart needs some lovin’ and it is very exhausting to be in protective mode all of the time. I know this won’t last forever. Sometimes the journey it tough. Hell, it can’t be perfect and liberating all the time, People! Sometimes, shit happens.
By the way, I think House has got to be one of the sexiest men to walk this planet. Next to Tom (Selleck), of course!