Alright, so blaming birthday cake for starting a war is a bit over exaggerated, but it did set off a food binge. Since I’ve been on this health journey for the past 8 years or so, it has occurred to me that I have changed a lot. The way I think about food, eat food, buy food, and dream about food is very different. I must admit that even though I have adopted healthier eating habits, some of the old habits are coming back with a vengeance. When I am stressed, they find a way to sneak back into my life and cause chaos or what some of you call binge eating. Lately, that has been a problem. What I have been trying to do for the past few years or so is to learn how to exorcise these binge demons and to do it by being kind to myself, seeing food as friend, not as enemy. People, I think I’m kidding myself. I’m not the aggressive type in any way, but I think when it comes to eating healthier and working towards feeling better, I should be. I have been trying to convince myself that it’s okay to have dessert everyday. Just a little piece. Doesn’t that just sound lovely? Honestly, I still think it’s not a bad idea to treat yourself, but for a professional binge eater such as myself, well, that’s like throwing a match into a box of dynamite. One spark can cause an explosion and things can get out of hand instantly.
There is one main message that I want to convey about the YourTruthDiet plan, which is there is NO plan. I’m sorry, people. There are no quick fixes here. The way I see it is life is unpredictable, relentless, joyful, and mind-blowing. I think sometimes we focus so much on perfection, counting calories, and working out that we don’t realize that mental health is just as important. We have to deal with a lot of crazy shit in this world and we can’t lose ourselves in the process. I have to confess that I’ve lost focus, but I haven’t given up.
Right now, I’m pushing through an extreme case of depression. I’ve never felt like this before and for some reason, this isn’t the type of thing that people feel is appropriate to talk about, but why not? I was once told by an ex-boyfriend that emotions are overrated. Come on! Isn’t it human nature to feel something? I refuse to believe that it is healthy to sulk and drown in unhappiness. Maybe some people handle this by running a marathon, traveling to Paris, meditating, or beating the hell out of copy machine with a Louisville Slugger. If it’s not harmful to other people, women, children, and animals, hey, go for it. Even with all of this rage, fear, and sadness that has built up inside of me, I’m still optimistic about trying to adopt and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Okay, so maybe this is a crazy analogy, but I have the Discovery Health Channel to thank for this. I watched a documentary about child birth and what reaaally happens during delivery. Seriously, small cameras were placed inside of the uterus to allow viewer the chance to see an actual baby making its way into the world. Anyway, I feel as if the next chapter of my life is slowly pushing its way through the birth canal. It’s pushing through, but the cervix has yet to dilate fully. I know that the next chapter in my life is going to be great, this rebirth will be liberating, but I need more oxytocin. It’s right there, I can see the head, but damnit, something is keeping it from me. That something is fear, sadness, and pain from the past. I hope this is just a phase, but I’m hanging in there. You know, sometimes life sucks! Sometimes life is insanely awesome!