Today I decided to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies because I was stressed. Baking relaxes me, it excites me, it moooooves me. I just love it. The problem with all of this is that I also love to eat it, the raw cookie dough especially, and although I usually divide the recipe in half, I still manage to make more than I should. So who eats them? Well, in my mind I would like to make a little goody box for my family, friends, starving children all around the world, and save just one or two for myself. Yeah, right! Those bad boys do not stand a chance in my world. I will eat them until I feel sick or they are gone, but something happened today. So much for Michael Pollan’s, Food Rule #39: Eat all the junk you want just as long as you make it yourself. I am sure this is a rule worth breaking in my case. In the middle of all of this baking and sampling madness, I took the first step of admitting that I have a serious problem.
As I waited for the first batch to cook, I continued to eat a spoonful of dough every time I walked passed the bowl. Why? Was it really that darn good? Ummmmm, maybe. Was it because I was hungry? Nope, I had eaten veggie pizza. What was I thinking about while I ate it? BAMMMMM! Jack Pot! That is the correct question. BINGO! Every time I took in another spoonful, one thing came to mind. Heartbreak!
The Story: Last year I lost a friend. Someone who taught me to enjoy life and I was able to be myself around him. This was a person I trusted and supported through a difficult time in their life and in the end he turned his back on me when I needed support for myself. It is a very hurtful feeling to know that my efforts as a friend or good person in general were never accepted or respected. Ultimately, I felt used, ugly, stupid, and not good enough for him. (I know that is silly, but that is what I felt at the time.) I shut down for a little while because I was confused and devastated. It hurt me to think that every day I was with this person was a lie, but I am pushing through the pain. However, sometimes I still feel down when I think about it and today was one of those days. This is part of my “TRUTH” and part of the reason I am having a hard time losing weight this month. I want to focus on dealing with these feelings and finding something positive and physical to do in order to avoid the Cookie Dough Monster and his friends in the future. I am now one step closer to recovery and a bangin’ body. Oh, yeah….and Blog#5.